Tuesday, July 12, 2011

He makes all things new....

 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Revelation 21:5

I find myself a little frustrated this morning with the city.... they have started a major street overhaul in our little town, today my road is closed and we only had a 24 hour notice... frustrating to say the least.  We were to have our cars moved off the street by 9 a.m. if we were going to need them at all today.  The frustrating thing is that there aren't too many other places to park our cars, so we have to hike up the hill from where we find a place to park, and of course on a day of a heat warning.  So I was the dutiful citizen and had our cars moved, but the workers could not begin because one of the residents on our street had a moving truck arrive this morning at 8:30, pushing everything back two hours.  So here I sit, watching out my front window as the asphalt finally begins to be placed on the street.  I wonder how long my home will smell of the distinct scent of new road.  How long will I be listening to these heavy duty vehicles and their noisy brakes move up and down in front of my home.  The day is supposed to be so warm, I know these workers are going to need to find shade for multiple breaks before they can even finish the job.  I glance out the window wondering which vehicle is making the incredibly unique hissing sound, and the thought pops into my head.... he is making the street new.  Then I heard God's quiet voice... I make all things new.

In December 2009 Mike broke the news to me that he wanted to deploy.  Yes... he WANTED to.  He felt like that was what he was being led to do.  I would be lying if I told you that I was not angry.  I was very angry with him, and at times I find that I still am fighting that anger.  I do not understand his choice, or his feelings, but I do know that is what makes a soldier a soldier.  My heart was broken.  I tried so hard not to be angry, not to be hurt, and not to question, but I simply did not understand.  I took on the role of good army wife and smiled my way through the conversations that followed.  I prayed to God.. please.. don't let this be your will, but if this is what is best for Mike, for us... then please let it be short duration, and away from heavy fire.  In March, we were informed he would be leaving the following June for a 6 month tour in Afghanistan.  Again, I must admit that I was angry!  I was angry with God for it being His will that Mike should deploy.  I was already dealing with the senior year of my first to graduate, and now... a combat deployment.  

I didn't realize it at the time, but I shut down emotionally.  It was the only way I could cope.

Problem with that... at some point... you must deal with those emotions.

"I make all things new"......

May 2011 rolled around, an entire year has passed, and next thing I know... I feel like a basket case.  I have become upset at silly things.  My heart has started racing for no reason.  There have been moments, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes the middle of the day, where I wake up, or just find myself in a total panic.  I have an overwhelming feeling of dread, but no reason to feel that emotion.  It is all catching up with me.  For over six months I played the best Scarlet O'Hara that I possibly could, but her persona has exited the script at present, and I am left with everything I said I'd think about tomorrow.  

Why am I so afraid to deal with all of these feelings?  

I was 'so together' during all of the final high school events my girls participated in.  I chalked it up to being so very excited for them to enter college because I knew how they would shine there.  

I was so stoic while Mike was gone, even through all of the craziness that seemed to haunt my every step.  I claimed that was simply God's grace.  

I was making it because it was God's strength moving in me..... at least that is what I told myself.  It wasn't until recently that I realized maybe, just maybe.... all of that was to get my attention... to get me to feel.

When I think back on all the little things... a flat tire in the middle of nowhere at 11 pm while by myself, the windshield wiper blade flying off in the middle of a downpour, or the garage door opener breaking down mid rise, just to name a few.....then to the big things....like moving the girls out, Collin's ankle surgery, and not to mention the senior year prior to all of that.... I wonder why I didn't cry, and why I was able to move through smiling.  I so focused on things that I wanted to change, that I didn't even realize that maybe, just maybe, there were things God wanted me to deal with..... my feelings of anger, of abandonment, of feeling like second place for as long as I can remember.  

Now I am now struggling with all of these feelings and didn't have a clue, until I watched these trucks move up and down my street, causing me to become more and more frustrated.  

"I make all things new"

So... if you see me walking by and a tear is in my eye.... just know that I am doing my best to be made new.